BIDEN PREPARES A TWO DAY ACCEPTANCE SPEECH FOR CONVENTION

... WILL BEGIN DELIVERING THE SPEECH ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT AND CONCLUDE IT ON THURSDAY NIGHT!

"We may wind up airing some of it on CNBC or maybe the USA Network, and then cut away to something else," said Carol Foyler on NBC News. "We're basically going to treat it like the hammer throw."

IN OTHER NEWS...

Cindy McCain Unsure How Many Half-Sisters She Has!

"As long as the couple has more homes than half-sisters, they could easily house one of the half-sisters in each of the residences and keep them happy," Dr. Logsdon says. "However, if the number of half-sisters grows faster than the number of homes, that could potentially lead to crowding."

AND IN STILL OTHER NEWS...

China’s Gold Medals Found to Have High Lead Content
Phelps Warned Not to Lick Medals

"In other Olympic news, China's hopes for winning more medals in women's gymnastics were dashed when one of their leading gymnasts vanished down a bathtub drain on Tuesday.

Immediately after Jiang Qimin's disappearance, Beijing authorities launched a search for the acclaimed seven-pound athlete."

-Andy Borowitz